


this dream isn't feeling sweet

by iameasytofind



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 21:54:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iameasytofind/pseuds/iameasytofind
Summary: the truth is, lexi would stay all night if rue asked her to. but she knows that rue won't do that.//after jules leaves, rue doesn't go home. instead, she goes back to the party.





	this dream isn't feeling sweet

_**" **_Baby, you don't gotta fight  
I'll be here 'til the end of time  
Wishing that you were mine  
Pull you in, it's alright_**"**_

**** -_Sofia _by Clairo

“-and i feel like it’s always gonna be this way, you know?” cassie’s voice reaches her in a haze, barely audible. in part, because of the volume of the music that’s blaring through the speakers and, in part, because lexi’s already had way too much to drink. it’s not common for her to get drunk-she’s usually the sober one whenever her friends and her go to a party. in fact, she’s never gotten drunk if you don’t count the couple of times she and cassie would assault their mother’s cabinet. but tonight was different, because rue had gotten up from the table, following jules to the bathroom, and has not returned yet. and she’s doing god knows what without caring about lexi.

lexi lifts her head up, and all the lights in the room merge into a crescendo of color that makes her head throb. 

“yeah, i totally get it.” she mumbles, half-mindedly.

“you weren’t even listening to me.” cassie replies. she’s not far from sober, and it shocks lexi for a second to think how the roles had been reversed for that night. “i was talking about how fast you can fall out of love with people and- “

“yeah, i totally get it.” lexi cuts her off, reaching for the now half empty bottle and downing a gulp of the liquid, forcing herself to bear the taste of it.

“lex.” cassie reaches her hand out and takes the bottle from her. “i think you’ve had enough for tonight.”

“have i, cass?” it comes out harsher than she expects it to, and she can see in the way cassie’s expression changes that it took her by surprise as well. “all i’ve ever done was put up with you and what you wanted. your friends, your parties, your boyfriend problems. can’t i have one night for myself?”

“you can but…” cassie pauses, looking down. “this is not like you.”

“you don’t even know what i’m like.” 

cassie looks up at her,her eyes are beginning to water. “all I’ve ever done is look after you. make sure you had friends, make sure you were safe. cause mom sure as hell wasn’t going to.”

lexi feels bad right after, because she's been on edge for a couple of days already and it’s not cassie’s fault,and she doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of it. she  fumbles with her hands, considering the thought of having another sip of alcohol – not like cassie would let her anyway. 

“I’m sorry I just-“ for a second the idea of telling her sister about what’s been going on in her life – the whole of it, just doesn’t seem as crazy as it did in the past. spending the night together, sitting by themselves while the rest of their friends went around chasing some guy – or _girl,_ for that matter – had brought them closer somewhat. it was as if taking a break from boys had suddenly turned cassie into a different person. a person that had spent the entire night sharing thoughts and ideas that lexi had not heard from her often. a person that could, perhaps, understand what was going through her head. but what if she didn’t? what if this revelation pushed her away, ruined the, probably, most genuine relationship lexi had in her life? “I guess I did have too much to drink.”

cassie raises an eyebrow at her. she’s clearly not eaten that one up, even though it’s obvious that the copious amount of alcohol her sister had ingested is part of the problem. “lexi. I’m dumb, but I’m not stupid. what’s going on?”

lexi shakes her head, before flopping down onto the table again. “nothing. it’s nothing.”

“it’s _not_ nothing. you’ve been acting weird all night.”

“I just expected tonight to be different.”

“well, you’re not going to get a date for the ball if you don’t talk to boys.” cassie shrugs, like it’s common knowledge. at that school, it might as well be. “and we both know that neither of our friends would trade a night of fun and partying with their boyfriends… or girlfriends-” the remark makes something sink in lexi’s chest. “-for a night of sitting on a table with us and shit-talking everyone else at the party. It’s highschool. it’s normal. I’m not mad at them and you shouldn’t either.”

if she’d been honest, it _did_ upset her that both maddy, and more recently kat, had been engulfed in unnecessary boy drama for the past weeks. but that was not the real issue. and they both knew that.

“I’m not mad at them.” lexi sighs. “guess I’m just mad at myself. you’re right. I should put myself out there if I expect anyone to notice me.” 

cassie gives her a small smile. “you’re an amazing person, lex. any boy would be lucky to be with you.”

“right._ boy_.” lexi murmurs to herself. she looks away, into the mass of bodies swirling and twisting on the dancefloor. “cass?”

“yeah?”

“what happens if the person that I like is with someone else?” she asks, vaguely.

cassie is silent for a few moments. “does this person like you?” she offers. “if they like you too then it’s alright I guess. who is it?”

lexi swallows hard and looks around, searching for rue amidst the crowd, but ends up looking at nate and maddy instead. cassie turns to them. 

“…nate?” cassie inquires carefully.

“what? no! no. I would never do that to maddy. besides, he’s kinda creepy.”

“…is it maddy? because I’m okay with that stuff, you know. no one’s a hundred percent straight, as they say.” cassie grabs the bottle and takes a sip of the liquid, keeping it out of lexi’s reach, who stares at the bottle longingly. 

“it’s not maddy. it’s-“ lexi feels the tears begin to well up on her eyes, and her voice trembles a little.

cassie looks at her expectantly. it’s the first time she’s seen her sister interested in someone in… well, _ever_. she reaches out and grabs lexi’s hand, rubbing her thumb against her skin. lexi looks down nervously. she cannot bring herself to look at cassie, not now that she knows that this could change it all, not only between her and cassie, but also between her and rue. because admitting her feelings for her out loud made them real. the moment cassie found out about it would stop being something that lexi kept compressed inside herself, hoping everyday that, in a future, it will just fade away like nothing happened in the first place. she takes a deep breath before saying:

“it’s rue.”

she’s trying her best but she’s beginning to run out of breath. her feet cannot keep up with jules, who’s jogging forward with the excitement of a child. she leans against a wall to regain her composure, taking small, rushed breaths. it is only then when she sees the station, with it’s bright, fluorescent lights that hurt her eyes and the loud noise of the engines from the trains that come and go through the terminal that the realization of it all sinks within her. it’s no longer the innocent proposal of a dumb teenager who’s too in love, but a reality. a reality that, she decides, cannot be a part of. 

“jules, hold up.” rue calls out, bending over her knees. the blonde girl stops in her tracks and, in a second, is right next to her, an eyebrow quirked at her in question. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

jules stares at her, still smiling, like she’s just said the stupidest thing in the world. “rue, this is literally the _best_ idea you’ve had.” she kneels down to look at rue, whose face is now covered by her hair.

rue straightens up, runs a hand through her hair. as soon as she’s back on her feet, jules begins to tug on her hand, pulling her towards her. she’s always had the kind of energy that rue’s never been able to match. the kind of energy that would come to her occasionally, but that jules seemed to never run out of. if she wasn’t able to keep up with her here, in this small shithole of a town, how was she ever going to put up with her in the big city? when jules begins to form new friendships and discover new things, how was rue going to deal with that? she’d been gone for a couple of days and had already returned a whole new person, a person that in such short period of time had already gone out and returned in love with someone else. and even though a part of rue wants to believe – to believe that jules had actually missed her those days, to believe that jules is actually in love with rue like she said she was, a part of her knows that they don’t have the same rhythm and that the second she stops to catch her breath, jules would go on without her.

“rue” jules’ voice snaps her out of her thoughts. “come on, the train’s almost here."

“I don’t know, jules.” she breathes out. “I didn’t bring my meds.” sure, going a day without her medication wasn’t a catastrophe, but rue was committed to stay clean for good this time, and she didn’t want to leave space for any relapse. 

“we can just buy some when we get there.” jules says, turning around and beginning to walk towards the terminal again. rue follows with heavy steps. 

“and what about my mom, my sister?” she asks. she had not thought of how her sudden disappearance would affect what was left of her family, how her sister would think that she just left without her, left her alone with their mother. 

“you can call her, rue.” jules stops, staring at rue, who catches up to her. “you don’t wanna do this, do you?” the bright, almost childish smile that rue knows and loves is nowhere to be found on jules’ face. she realizes then, just like it hit her that jules would leave and move on without her, that it also hit jules that she would not actually follow her. rue looks at her almost apologetically, shifting her weight between her legs uncomfortably. 

“why did you say it in the first place, then? you know how much this means to me.” jules looks sad, genuinely sad, and it’s a sight that rue cannot bear. she would tell herself about how she would hurt anyone who so much looked at jules the wrong way, but she never thought it would be herself that would be causing jules harm. 

“i- I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” rue swallows, directing her eyes towards the ground. she counts the cigarette butts, the bugs that come and go, the candy wraps. anything to avoid jules’ piercing gaze. “It’s what you wanted,I guess.”

“it’s not what_ you_ wanted?”

“I can’t leave just like that, jules. my mom, my sister… i-“

“yeah, I get it.” jules murmurs.

“you do?” rue asks, with a hint of hope.

“no! I thought you meant it, like for real. that we would go and live together in the city and have an amazing time and-“

“well you can do it with anna, can’t you?” she does not mean to say that, but the words are out of her mouth before she can help it, and they feel like venom in her lips. 

“is that what this is about?” jules asks, and she almost seems angry at her. rue feels a sharp pain in her chest, feels the tears being to threaten their way out. “you’re jealous.”

“I’m not…” she can’t lie to jules, but she can’t tell her that _yes_, she's jealous and that it hurts her that she’s not the only person she’s in love with, that that half-assed idea of love that jules seems to have is not enough for her, that the thought of jules with someone else makes her want to drug herself into oblivion. 

“rue” jules reaches out, grabs rue’s face with her hands; her skin is cold in contrast to rue’s, and it makes her shiver. jules forces her to look up, to look at her, to stop avoiding her like she does everytime she has a problem. this is not something she can just tiptoe around until it solves itself or disappears. “I love you.” jules mutters. “and only you. okay?” rue shakes her head as she feels the tears begin to run down her face, warm and salty and filled with rage. her vision begins to cloud and she sees jules’ face surrounded by bright hazes of light, deformed by the tears. she looks like an angel. “I do.” she insists, a hint of desperation in her voice. she looks like she could burst into tears in any second, too. “please, believe me.” it comes out as a plead, and when rue looks back at her again she’s turning around, covering her face with her hands.

“jules-“ rue begins, reaching out. she places her hand on jules’ shoulders, stroking gently. she hears her muffled sobs and it takes all she has to not break down as well. she doesn’t want jules to see her cry. she doesn’t want her to know that this is hurting her because she does want to leave with jules, and live with her in the city and to spend every day with her, to dance to the songs on the radio with her in their apartment or wherever they end up living, to look at the stars in the night sky and to fall asleep next to her at the end of every day. but it’s just not going to happen. rue cannot fool herself and make herself believe that things will be exactly the way she expects them to be especially because jules is not the person she expects her to be and to hold her to that standard is both selfish and cruel. because her little dream of a perfect life with jules is just that; a dream.

jules turns around. her eyes are puffy and her makeup is on the verge of being completely ruined by how much she’s crying. her lower lip trembles and when she speaks, a small, desperate “rue, please” her voice is shaky and weak. she takes a deep breath, for a second, and the next she’s surging forward, capturing rue’s lips with hers. it’s a kiss that shakes rue to her core, just like every other one’s there’s been between them, because something about jules will always shake her to her core, but she cannot allow herself to fall into this. because she knows that jules is not doing it because she feels it or because she wants to, but because she knows it will make rue weak, it will make her bend to her will and do whatever she asks her to do. it takes an inhuman amount of strength, but rue pulls away from jules gently.

“I’m sorry.” is all she can muster, before choking on a sob. 

they’re interrupted by the loud sound of one of the trains arriving at the terminal; the train, to be specific. rue looks at jules. expects that maybe, just maybe, she will realize how much of an idiot idea this is, that this is not good for either of them, and that she’ll decide to stay here, with her. but jules straightens up, secures her backpack behind her, and accommodates her hair. she’s preparing to leave, and nothing that rue could do or say is going to change her mind. she knows that. still, she surprises herself clutching jules’ hand and pulling her towards her until they’re merely inches apart. 

“jules” rue says, barely a whisper. she feels jules’ other hand making its way to rue’s hips. “stay. please stay.” she never thought she would be begging  a boyfriend, or girlfriend,for that matter, for anything. she thought begging was the lowest of the low, a last resort type of thing. but hell, if it meant that jules would stay with her, she would even get down on her knees.

jules doesn’t reply. she just stays there, static, her face inches away from rue’s. she feels her breath, warm and erratic, on her face. her eyes are fixed on rue, as if she’s trying to burn her image in her memory, in case she never sees her again. why would she ever return to that town if she was so hellbent in leaving it in the first place? rue knew she wouldn’t return just for her. not in a thousand years. then another idea makes its way into her mind, like a virulent disease: that rue is just a pit stop in the long road of jules’ life, that she’s just momentary and ephemeral; that she was all good until jules started feeling better about herself, or until she started feeling like she deserved more than what she has in this awful place. it hurts like hell.

they stay like this for a couple of seconds, before rue decides to try again. “stay” she repeats, more insistently now. jules closes her eyes and a few tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the glitter she’d applied early for the party. rue can’t help but think that even like this, she looks beautiful. 

jules sobs silently, now she’s the one that refuses to look at rue, her eyes forced shut like it would kill her to look at her. and maybe it would, kill her. maybe the realization that this can’t go on any longer because rue refuses to leave and jules refuses to stay, that this is doomed, that maybe it’s been doomed from the very beginning, could be hurtful enough to actually kill jules. not physically, but inside. and isn’t that just as painful?

the train is on the station, but it won’t be for too long. the background noise of the passengers making their way into it remind them of that. even though rue knew that there would always be some sort of due date to this…thing that they had, it was much more real right now than it had ever been, and the weight of the last moments she would share with jules in…probably ever, is way too much to take. 

“I have to go.” jules states, grimly. rue nods, because there’s nothing else to say, not anymore. jules seems to understand this. she leans in for one last kiss and rue lets her have it, lets herself have it, because if this is the last time she’s seeing jules, she sure as hell is going to make the most of it. 

when they pull apart, both breathless and with fucked-up faces due to the crying and the makeup, jules turns around and begins to make her way to the train. rue doesn’t follow; instead, she stands still and stares at jules as she begins to turn smaller and smaller in the distance, appreciating every detail that made jules, jules. she never thought she could love anyone in the way she loves jules, and she’s not sure if she’ll ever be able to feel anything so intensely again. 

when jules reaches the train she’s meant to take, she turns around. despite the mess in which her face has turned, she’s wearing her best smile, and she’s giving it to rue for one last time. she lifts her hand up and waves at rue, who forces herself to wave back. after this, jules enters the train and, after a few moments, the train begins to leave the platform. 

once the train is completely gone, rue turns around, and begins to run.

_ “please say something.” _

cassie is paralyzed; she has a drink on one of her hands and it hasn’t moved in a while. nothing in cassie has moved in a while. she’s absently staring at lexi, who’s growing more and more anxious by the second.

“look, I shouldn’t have said anything, i-“

“it’s okay” cassie reacts “i- I don’t have a problem with you being…” she pauses, unsure of what words to use. “I mean…are you…?”

lexi lets out a breath, then reaches for cassie’s drink. she doesn’t pull it away this time and, instead, lets her have a sip. she knows she needs it. lexi wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “yeah, I guess.”

cassie nods. “I don’t have a problem with you being…gay.” she offers this time, carefully. when lexi doesn’t reply anything, she continues: “I was just a bit...surprised, I mean…rue? really?”

lexi has to fight back a smile, not only because of the relief she feels right now, having been able to confide in the most important person in her life, or because the mere mention of rue makes her feel all kinds of things, but because the idea of her being into rue is such a funny thought for her sister.

“yeah, I didn’t exactly expect it, either.”

“so, all the times she would sleepover… or you would sleepover there…”

lexi is quick to shake her head. “oh, no. no. nothing’s ever…you know, happened.” no matter how much she wanted it to, rue had never given any signs of wanting to be something more than her friend, and sometimes lexi felt like she wasn’t even her friend at all. she could never betray rue’s trust like that. but there was also a selfish undertone to it; she knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the rejection, the heartbreak that would come from loving a single person her entire life and have that person reject her - anyway, it’s not like lexi has any idea what love is, but she’s sure it has to be similar to the way she feels when she’s with rue, because she’s never felt that way with anyone else. 

cassie entertains the thought in her mind for a while. “why not?” she asks, and there’s a genuine sincerity to it. 

“i don’t know…” lexi shrugs, her movements slowed down by the amount of alcohol in her system. “i didn’t even know she...liked girls until-”

“well, she did make out with you that one time” cassie replies playfully, sticking her tongue out through her teeth. lexi shoves her arm softly, but she’s also smiling. 

“shut up! she was teaching me how to kiss so that i could go on a date with...with...that one guy.”

“right. cause that’s what straight friends do.” they both burst into laughter, and they think about how ridiculous they must look - the only two girls in the entire ball who don’t have a date and are sitting alone at a table, laughing histerically. but neither of them seems to mind. 

when the laughter dies out, reality sinks between them. 

“why don’t you ask her to dance?” cassie asks, any hint of humor disappearing from her voice. 

“i can’t, i haven’t seen her in hours and-...it doesn’t matter. she’s probably with jules.” it’s selfish to be jealous, she knows that. specially because jules seemed to be good for rue; she hasn’t relapsed in the whole time jules’ been in her life. and for someone who just came out of rehab after fighting for their life because of an overdose, that’s a lot. but still, lexi can’t help but feel jealous. because she knows she’s been a more than exceptional friend, and that she could be there for rue in ways that jules isn’t - either because she can’t or just because she doesn’t want to. 

cassie looks at lexi with compassion, the same look she gives maddy when she has yet another breakup with nate, or kat, even though she doesn’t share many of her boy troubles with her. she’s not one to judge but, considering how radically kat’s changed in the past days, maybe it’s better that she doesn’t confide these things on cassie. but lexi- she’s been waiting most of her life for this, to be able to listen to her sister, to support her, while she tells her about her love problems as they paint each other's nails or lay in bed together at midnight or whatever. she also understands how hard this must’ve been for lexi, and why she hasn’t told her about this before. but she’s glad she did, tonight of all nights. there really was a certain something to it, despite how boring it had been for the most part. her attention is deviated, though, when she catches a familiar face entering the place. 

“maybe not anymore.” cassie muses, staring somewhere past lexi. lexi turns around in her direction, and she sees rue stumbling through the crowds of people. she’s still all dressed up, but her suit is disarranged, her hair is undone and she looks overall scrawny. lexi turns towards cassie again, as if silently asking if it’s okay for her to leave her alone for a bit. cassie knows that she doesn’t even need to ask, and just nods before grabbing her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

lexi offers her a small smile, then stands up and begins to make her way towards rue, doing her best to avoid all the dancing teenagers. when she’s closer to her, she realizes that she looks way worse than she expected her to.

“rue? what happened?” she asks, concern evident in her voice. 

rue shakes her head, pressing her palms against her eyes. “she just...she just left.” is all she gets out. it’s enough for lexi. she places a hand on rue’s back and leads her through the crowd to the girls bathroom.

under the clear lights of the ceiling, she can see that rue’s been crying. a lot. her eyes are all puffy and her makeup is a mess, her glittery stars dispersed all over her face. if it had been in another moment of their life, lexi would’ve thought that rue’s been doing drugs, but she knows that this is not the case. the girl sitting on the sink wiping her nose on toilet paper is just heartbroken, a way too familiar feeling for lexi.

lexi opens the faucet and lets the water run for a couple of seconds, before placing her hands under it. then, she brings it to rue’s face. she washes her gently until her face looks somewhat normal again - no snots or anything. 

“why are you doing this?” rue slurs, watching as lexi goes into one of the stalls and retrieves some toilet paper. rue stays still as lexi softly pats her face with it, though there’s not much that she can do with plain toilet paper, and rue winces a bit at the contact. lexi mutters a small “sorry” and rue just smiles at her. the proximity makes her heartbeat begin to speed up. she wonders what would happen if she just did it, if she grabbed rue by her blazer and just pulled her into a kiss. but she looks at rue, all vulnerable as she checks her nose on the mirror for any leftovers, and decides that it's not a good idea at all.

“it’s what friends do.” lexi simply replies, pulling away from her. there’s a hint of bitterness in it that rue doesn’t identify. 

rue gets down from the sink and then waits while lexi washes her own face, the water cold in contrast to the burning in her cheeks. she hopes it will calm her down but, when she turns around and notices rue staring at her with a small smile, she realizes it’s not going to work. 

“you wanna hang with cassie and i? we were just thinking about stealing some stuff.” she knows that rue knows that neither she or cassie are the type of girls to do something like that, but she doesn’t feel like telling rue about what they were really talking about. lucky for her, rue doesn't question anything. which is good, because lexi’s terrible at lying. specially when it comes to rue.

“nah i’m just...gonna catch some fresh air.” rue states, walking towards the exit. before leaving, she turns to lexi. “wanna come with me?” 

and when was lexi ever able to say no to her. 

  
  
  


despite what’s happening inside the building, the night outside is beautiful. the sky is clear, almost pitch black save from the stars, that would probably be more beautiful if lexi wasn’t as drunk as she is, because looking up makes her want to throw up. the air is fresh, though, and lexi is thankful for the way it feels against her face, in comparison to the heat inside the party. 

rue is sitting on one of the steps from the stairs, and she hasn’t said a word yet. lexi doesn’t want to push her, but at the same time wonders if rue is actually expecting her to ask her about it. so she does. 

“what happened?” lexi asks shyly, as she sits next to rue. for a bit, the only sound is the music that reaches them in a faint murmur, muffled by the walls, and a small conglomerate of night bugs. 

rue swallows before she speaks. she has no idea why she’s so uncomfortable. lexi’s been her best friend since she could remember, there was nothing that rue couldn’t tell her. but, at the same time, she doesn’t want to suffocate her with her problems - she's done a lot of that already, and she’s sure lexi has enough on her plate with cassie and her boy problems. yet, the look on lexi’s face tells her that she cares, that she wants to know what happened, that she’s not just asking out of politeness because she stumbled into her looking like a mess in the middle of the ball. 

“she left. jules left.” she pauses.

lexi raises her eyebrows at her because, well, she doesn't understand.

“we were...we were going to run away together. to the city.” rue laughs at how insane it sounds now that she’s saying it out loud. 

lexi is taken by surprise. there she was, crying to her sister about her feelings for rue, while rue was on her way to _another fucking town_. and she didn’t even think to tell her. 

“i couldn't leave.” rue continues. “there’s just too much that i can't leave behind. but jules didn't seem to have the same issue. and apparently she thought i wasn't worth staying for. can't blame her though.” there's a sad note in the way she says it, like someone who just lost the love of her life, because she just might have. at this, something else replaces the sadness in lexi’s chest: anger. she's angry at jules, for thinking that she can treat rue like crap and get away with it, but she's also angry at rue, for being so in love with jules that she’s been letting her do whatever she wants with her, regardless of how much pain it could cause her. but mostly, she's angry at herself, for feeling the way she feels for rue, for being there for here all those times when she shouldn't have, because rue sure as hell wasn't there for her. 

“you are. you  _ are _ worth staying for, rue.” she emphasises, staring at the girl, who looks at her confusedly in response. “i know i would’ve stayed.” she thinks she said it low enough that only she could hear it, but rue’s shifting uncomfortably away from her.

“wha- what did you say?” she asks, and the way she does it feels like a cold punch that sobers her up. 

lexi begins to breath in short, erratic breaths. she can feel her whole body trembling. _this is it_, she thinks, going back to her conversation with cassie. there’s no turning back now, and even if she fucks up, if she loses rue forever, at least she’ll be able to say that she did something brave for once in her life. 

without thinking twice because otherwise she’d just end up backing out, lexi cups rue’s face in her hands and surges forward, pressing her lips against hers. It lasts only for a second, but it’s comforting to know that she’s the one that pulled away, and not rue. 

“i’m...i’m sorry.” lexi begins, suddenly drained of all the bravery she had a second before. “I shouldn't have.”

rue’s head is a mess. between jules leaving, her inability to bury her pain in a bottle of pills, and now this...it was just too much for her to take. lexi’s her best friend, but that's all. and anything else rue might’ve felt weakens in comparison to what jules makes her feel. and rue knows that if she kisses her, it will be unfair for both of them- for lexi, for leading her on and making her believe in feelings that just aren't there, and for herself, for pretending that hurting someone else will make the pain that jules caused her to go away. but what lexi doesn't know can't hurt her, and she's so drunk that she probably won't even remember this night, and rue’s good at pretending she doesn't remember things. 

that is why she allows herself to reciprocate, to pull lexi closer towards her until their bodies cannot physically be closer, to find some sort of comfort in the warmth of her lips or the delicacy of her touch, but knowing that this will all be gone in the morning.

by the time they pull away, lexi can barely catch her breath - and she’s slightly trembling. she just cannot believe what happened, and for a second considers pinching herself to make sure this is not yet another dream.

she looks like she’s glowing, rue thinks. and it's not just the moon reflecting on her, it looks like the glow is coming from within her, and it makes her question just how much of lexi’s actions are influenced by the alcohol, and how much is  _ lexi  _ lexi. she won't ask, because she's afraid of what the answer might be. she's afraid of losing yet another person that's important to her, and she doesn’t have many of those. so she lets it sit, and tells herself that this just happened because lexi’s drunk and rue’s heartbroken, and that's it.

“rue, i-” lexi begins. unsure of how to follow it. what was she going to tell her? was she going to pour out all of her feelings onto the poor girl, after the night she's had? she couldn't do that. it was too much for rue to handle and she didn't want to test just how much she could actually deal with right now. she decides that it's better to not say anything at all. and so, they both stay silent for a bit, lexi’s head resting on rue’s shoulder, both staring at the night sky as the songs progress in the background, until the room stops spinning. 

“you haven’t danced all night.”

“yeah, wasn’t gonna let cass all by herself. besides” lexi pauses, deciding if she actually wants to say what she’s about to say. “the person I wanted to dance with wasn’t here.”

“you should’ve told me.” they both know she’s just saying it out of politeness. that, if lexi had asked her for a dance, she still would’ve gone chasing after jules at the end of the night. that, even know, heartbroken and disappointed, rue would still go after jules if she decided to call for her. “but hey, the night’s still young.” rue stands up, and extends her hand to lexi, who stares at it hesitantly “ I know I can’t give you everything you were expecting… but at least I can take you out for a spin or two.”

sure, lexi’s dreamt of dancing in the middle of the dancefloor until her feet would give up on her, and then finish the night grabbing junk food or drinking something or even losing her virginity to her date, although the last one didn’t exactly thrill her, but everything was a possibility in the realm of supposition.

still, when rue pulls her close, her hands firm on her hips, and instructs lexi to put her arms around her neck, she thinks this is better than anything her younger self could’ve imagined. and it doesn’t matter that they’re in an empty parking lot instead of inside the actual party – at this point, most of the students must be blackout drunk and the dancefloor must be pretty much empty – or that the music is barely audible through the speakers inside, or that lexi feels like she might throw up if she moves too much, because rue is there with her, and she’s so close lexi can smell the remains of her perfume, and she can see the light reflecting in her eyes. and it’s perfect like this, even though she has no idea that this doesn’t mean anything in the slightest to rue, that it’s just a substitute to avoid thinking about jules or, even worse, to avoid doing anything she might regret because of jules – as if this isn’t something she’s gonna regret enough already. 

lexi just lets herself believe that maybe, _just maybe,_ rue does feel something for her, something more than just friendship, that tonight’s been special and that it sparked something in rue that she didn’t know was there, that something, anything, could work between them, because she’s willing to give up things that jules won’t give up for her. things that matter. 

they sway slowly, with the occasional twirling and spinning, and rue pictures what it must be like to slow dance with jules, to hold her in her arms and just be able to share an intimate moment such as this one, a chance that she might never get. she wonders where she is now, if she’s already in the city or on her way. if she’s with someone and, if she is, who she’s with. or if she’s all alone. it would kill her to know that jules is all alone. but it would also kill her to keep thinking of jules, it’s no use now. 

even lexi herself is surprised when rue places her hand under her chin and lifts her head up to meet her eyes and,after a beat, pulls her into a kiss. rue’s lips are soft and chapped and, in a matter of seconds, they’re salty. that's when lexi realizes that rue is actually crying. and she immediately pulls away.

“rue, what is it?” she asks, but rue doesn't reply. she just hugs lexi instead. and lexi hugs her back, allowing rue to rest her head on her chest. that's when rue breaks down completely, her body shaking as she sobs uncontrollably,letting out the tears that have been threatening to come out the entire night. lexi places her hand on rue’s head, stroking her hair in slow, gentle motions. she feels the tears begin to soak the fabric from her dress, and she wishes she could just take all the pain rue is feeling and keep it within herself, to be able to do something, anything, to give her some sort of comfort. but she knows it won't be enough. nothing she could ever do would be enough, and that's what hurts her the most; to know she's hurting, and not being able to do anything about it.

rue doesn't like crying in front of people, it makes her vulnerable and it forces people into a position in which they feel like they have to do something to get her to stop crying instead of just...letting her cry. but lexi does just that. she lets rue cry. she cries for jules, she cries for lexi, and she cries for herself. for not being able to make one stay and for not being able to reciprocate the other’s feelings. she cries for not being capable of love, for not being enough for anyone, not even herself.

lexi continues to hold her until rue feels like she can't cry anymore, because she's too tired and because she doesn't think she has any tears left anymore. 

“I'm sorry.” she says, once she's able to speak again. “i didn't mean-”

“it's okay.” lexi cuts her off, staring at some point in the distance. “i think we should get going. cassie’s still by herself.” rue nods, because she doesn't have the energy to do anything else and because she feels like lexi doesn't have the energy to put up with her either. and she can't blame her for that.

the truth is, lexi would stay all night if rue asked her to. but she knows that rue won't do that. 

so they walk back into the party, and lexi tries not to get nervous at the way rue so casually grabs her by the hand as they do. 

the party has, in fact, died out. some people are sitting on the tables talking, though most of them are just passed out on the chairs. the music is still playing but no one’s dancing anymore, and the lights just make everything look like a dream. and tomorrow, when rue refuses to acknowledge what happened or to even talk about it, it will feel like it was all a dream. but for tonight, lexi decides she's going to hold on to it for as long as she can. 

cassie is still on their table, mindlessly scrolling through her phone. when she sees them approaching the table, she shoots a questioning glance at lexi, who just shrugs apologetically. 

“i thought you guys would never come.” cassie says, smiling.

“i think it’s time we go home.” lexi states, looking around as if to emphasize that the night has already given out everything it had to offer. cassie doesn't question it, it's not like she’s been having the time of her life either.

“you wanna stay over, rue?” she asks casually as she gathers her stuff from the table. that's when lexi realizes that cassie has no idea about anything that's happened that night, not really. that,as far as she knows, rue and lexi are still best friends, and only best friends. but, at the same time, isn't that exactly what this is?

thankfully, rue just shakes her head. she knows that spending the night at the howard’s, especially on such short notice, would mean that she and lexi would end up sharing a bed like they usually did. and she also knows that that's not a good idea, for either of them. “i gotta do...stuff tomorrow. can you drop me off though?”

even though cassie finds it strange, compared to how eager rue was to stay over at their place in the past, a single look at lexi is enough to know that it's in their best interest to let rue go home instead.so, both sisters agree that,yes, they can. and in a matter of minutes cassie is parking the car in front of the bennett’s house.

“uh, thanks guys. see you” rue offers before getting out of the car, faster than usual. they both stare at her as she tries to make her way into her house, being careful not to wake her mother or her sister up.

as soon as rue is out of their sight, cassie turns to look at lexi, who has her head low, her gaze fixated on her hands that are resting on her lap.

“how did it go?” she asks, softly, but there's an empty, deafening silence. and cassie decides that's all the answer she's getting from her sister tonight. Instead of questioning any further, cassie pulls her into a hug. 

lexi begins to cry.


End file.
